My darling girl, I’m sorry I’m not the mummy I’d hoped to be to you.

If only time travelling existed I would turn back the dials of the clock for you and I. Many say ignorance is bliss but for us, dear girl, it has caused us irreparable harm. For this I’m more sorry than you may ever know or understand.

If we could dream for a moment or ‘pretend’ as you so often call it, I would make believe all that I know now I’d have known then.  I’d change it all, all I was ignorant to, the arrogance of believing I knew enough.

My lovely child, I am deeply sorry for what I’ve become. My brain fails me; anxiety devouring me from inside out like a cursed disease. It bites at you so often like a rabid dog and I see it, I do, but often so late.

It’s all my fault and you, my sweetheart, are innocent but have suffered because of it. It’s your 4th birthday today and it’s still hard now as it was then. But now I can see the person you are becoming and you are wonderful and kind and generous and fierce and caring and have such a beautiful soul. But I see the sides of you frayed from having me as your mummy and I am so deeply sorry, my darling girl.