FlumpandFluff

You may dance with me Death but my dance card is full. You’ll have to wait Death till I’ve danced with them all. 

My dance card is full Death, from top to bottom. I have a new perspective Death, but you won’t be forgotten. 

You see my first dance is with Life, a tango we’ll tread. I owe Life a dance Death, you’ll not convince me I’m better off dead. 

Second is Love, we’ll turn as we waltz into the night. Love lifts me above you Death, he had me at first sight. 

Now the lindy hop is playing and Compassion holds out its hand. Compassion is fierce Death, more than you can withstand. 

Intimacy calls when he hears the salsa beat. It’s hold is far more gentle Death, than yours that smacks of defeat. 

The last on my card is Self Acceptance. It’s the hardest by far but we manage to dance. No music is playing but the song is loud. It’s shout is stronger than you Death and for that now I’m proud. 

Eventually I know Death, your turn will come about. Yes Death we’ll mambo or foxtrot no doubt. But till then Death let me be certain, there are so many dances before you close the curtain. 

Dear Death

I know you don’t think of me but I think of you often. The thought of you wraps itself around my brain like a thick black noose. Constricting my thoughts of anything else, you tighten your grip on me. 

I know you don’t think of me but you consume me. I obsess over you like a scorned lover. I wonder where you are, what you look like, who you are with. 

I know you don’t think of me but we were close to meeting once. I knocked on your door but you didn’t answer. Thank goodness you didn’t answer. I turned away and found a path back to life. 

I know you don’t think of me but you control me. You see all the cards and know how to play them. It’s always your move. You know when it’ll happen and how, for that I am at your mercy. 

I know you don’t think of me but your hold chokes me. I struggle to breathe because I don’t know what’s to come. My chest feels heavy and all I see is the world spinning and I’m not in it. Where I am, only you know. 

You wake up and sadness creeps in to the depths of your soul like a weighty bear snare tearing at your flesh. Uncontrollable tears running down your face. You can’t stop crying, even when there appears to be no reason to cry. Sitting against the bedroom door you’re afraid to go into the nursery. Baby has slept in and all is quiet. You’re not sure what you’re going to find but you can only imagine the worst. Then you hear a gentle sigh and you feel momentary relief. Baby’s ok! But now the day has to start. You reach for the smiling mask that you’ve skilfully applied for the last few months and it fits awkwardly. Time moves slowly and quickly all at once. You want the day to be over but equally you don’t want tomorrow to come. You feel hopeless. You feel weak and defective, like a failure, then respite comes. You feel nothing but it’s not peace you feel, it’s an emptiness and numbness like you’ve never felt before. You are afraid that this is your new reality, that this is your new skin. You have a constant noise in your head like an intense rush hour traffic of white noise, fuzz and fog. You recognise that you’re now aware that you have reached the point you can’t carry on, that people sometimes don’t carry on. You are afraid that if you reach out for help people will judge you. Or that your baby will be taken away. You go to sleep not knowing if rest will come tonight and not because you have a young baby. You wake up and sadness creeps in to the depths of your soul….